In Two Weeks, We Will Cease Service to Nero’s Violin

We, the people who service Nero’s violin, firmly believe in the right of free violin playing, but it has been brought to our attention that amidst the spreading embers in Rome, it might be better that violin access should be restricted.

This is, again, not to say that we don’t value violin playing! Again, we are very firmly in favor of stringed instruments, as in favor of it as Nero has been to profligate self-serving spending, sexual pleasure, and bloodshed. We have, in the past, not stood in the way of any violin playing, even after he did so in celebration of poisoning his teenaged stepbrother with mushrooms.

Freedom of music is at the heart of Roman life, but we have noticed that the pleasure gardens have caught fire. Not a lot of fire. Nothing we can’t handle, we are sure.

Some ask why we haven’t restricted violin access to the emperor before, and to be honest, we have feared some backlash, like lawsuits, public verbal lambasting, or beheading, which seems to be the popular threat these days. But now that’s clear that the fire is indeed spreading — wow, there goes the hippodrome — we’re serious.

To be honest, we thought he’d change eventually, especially after we put a mute on his violin. Maybe if we taught the populace to read and distributed a note saying that any music heard from the mute is dangerous, that might help? Brothers, thoughts?

Fuck. The horrea is burning — we had foodstuffs in there.

Anyway, our refusal to prioritize servicing Nero’s Violin as of January will prove an ambitious step toward — Oh no, Octavio, is your villa gone, too?

Alas, our robes are burning, but unfortunately there is nothing that prompt action can do now, is there? We are forced to wait until the sun completes its passing over our very flat Earth.

Anyway, any forthcoming music in a fortnight which causes alarm, we can probably (?) address in a timely manner of four-to-six weeks.