“Our Procurement Specialist and Your Mom have Some Concerns About Your Elaborate Holiday Gifts for Your Girlfriend”

By Rachel Mans McKenny

Items, with concerns noted by our department of shipping and procurement:

• Partridge (1) [on order]
• Pear Tree (1) [6’ Bradford pear tree (potted), with red ribbon on it set aside for delivery]
• Turtle Doves (2) [All turtle-doves currently located in an offshore shipping container yet to be unloaded; Approval to replace with turtles– red eared sliders or Eastern box? Please advise.]

Hi, this is Mom. Saw the email open and just thought I’d chime in. From a purely non-supply-chain standpoint, purely based on intuition and having somehow never met your girlfriend yet: you seem to have winged animals covered. I understand the desire to go overboard when you love someone, but go against that impulse if the impulse means spreading newspaper around the house to catch bird feces.

• French Hens (3) [Another supply chain issue. Available hens are Canadian, but they do speak French.]
• Calling Birds (4) [Available, depending on species desired.]

Just a little story, somewhat related. Once your dad bought me a spider plant as a gift and it kept shedding leaves and drove…